So another year comes to an end for me. . .alas today, September 25th I am no longer the ripe innocent age of 24. Like the month I too have turned 25 (this must be my lucky year 25 on the 25th?). 25 is the last great legal "age affiliated" evil milestone. After the 25yr milestone, they aren't really evil anymore. They are no longer "what you can now do." They're more, "What you can still do."
As you get older, the government affords you more and more evils, as well as raises the rates for things. Until you "old enough" in the government's eyes, then they drop the rates, you have the evils, but can't really enjoy them as much. Is it worth getting older to be afforded these new and ever increasing evils? You tell me:
13, you are no longer a kid, you've broken into the teenage years, which means you pay more for movie theater tickets, plane trips, trips to the zoo, amusement parks, train rides,etc. . . and McDonalds won't sell you those cool meals that come in a cardboard box with drawings all over it anymore.
14, the legal age of consent in Mexico. While in America you can get working papers (high school work permit) and work no more then 19.5 hours a week! YAY!
16-17 now you can legally drive and have sex in most states (not at the same time). You can legally drop out of school / get married / work the cash register at retail jobs / cut the tomatoes at McDonalds (sounds like a plan) and of course, get into Rated R movies by yourself.
18 Oh now the evils get better, you can legally smoke / play lotto / vote / go to prison/ get kicked out of your parent's house / sign the field-trip permission slips by yourself / fight in a war/ drink alcohol in Canada / get into some clubs / go to porn websites / be drafted / be arrested for sex with 15 year olds (not in Mexico, Eh esse? Ci Amigo J) / have an abortion/ Pay social security/ Stop getting child support from your deadbeat dad/ claim yourself as an independent/ fall off your parent's healthcare plan, ugh/ and you can work more then 19.5 hours a week (legal limit of minors)/ get credit cards-someone should have explained to me. . .it's not free money, you have to pay it back/ Check into most hotels / Work on the floor of an Indian Casino/ Swim in Hotel Hot tubs & Pools by yourself! / Work at a Payless Shoe Store/ and if you work at a supermarket you can operate the cardboard box crushing machine! Oh the power!
19 you meet the minimum check-in age of some other hotels. Some places like to think if you are 19 you have been reckless for a year and might be a little more responsible.
21 you can buy & rent porn (as opposed to stealing it or buying it on the "high school black market"- yeah, pretend you don't know) / buy booze/ get into bars to buy booze/ get into clubs to buy booze and dance, then go home and watch the porn you rented. Work in a Vegas or Atlantic city casino-big time/ You also meet the minimum check-in age at the rest of the hotels. And can now gamble in casinos, so go to Vegas baby yeah!
Well at 25 now I can legally rent a car. . . although I went to Hawaii by myself when I was 22 and rented a car, but I had a friend at the travel agency who swung it so I could rent one. So getting around this isn't that big a deal, I have also rented many U-Hauls over the years, so actually I doubt this is even a milestone anymore.
The only other evil age milestones down the road that I have to look forward to are the 10 year highschool and college reunions, and the lucky decade markers, 30yr , 40yr, which are supposedly just unpleasant reminders of imminent death (not fun).
35, the legal age you must be to become President of the United States, and according to the census bureau as an American citizen you have only about a one in 284,796,887 chance every four years of becoming one. It's more likely that you would get struck by lightning while watching rented porn.
If you're a woman you're more likely to get struck by lightning while watching rented porn on a black and white TV at precisely 5:23 AM on the autumnal equinox, in a hail storm, while sleeping over the house of your third cousin from a previous marriage who happens to be named Frank and who only has one testicle and bunk beds.
The last couple milestones, next to the big evil, death of course , would be at age 50-55, wherein you are considered a SENIOR CITIZEN and are able to go on Senior citizen tours, live in Senior citizen housing, go to Senior's Dances, get cheaper rates on buses/ trains/ amusement parks/ plays/ shows/ ball games/ and movie theater tickets---bastards take it away when we become teens, and give it back now. . .what the deal-e-yo? At least Mc Donald's will sell you those box happy meals, if you bullshit em and tell them it's for your grand kid.
A good deed, from a weird man.
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