DRUNK SANTA 12-25-04
My good friend JUNO is an artist, and a designer. He was hired sometime last year to do a logo for a local liqor store in his hometown, Lakespur Colorado. He sent me the finished art and I started cracking up. The drawing is good, but my demented mind started brainstorming captions. Here is what I came up with. See if you can beat these captions:
-Drunky the mountain man says: "Where there's smoke there's fire,, Budwiser is cheap here....hic...I'm going to go masturbate on the other side of this peak....don't bother me unless someone is dead or I won the lottery."
-Drunky the mountain man says: "When I broke out of prison, the only thing on my mind was...hic...whores and liquor...thank you spruce mountain liquors. NOW BRING ON THE WHORES!!!"
-*Drunken Santa says: "Kids, drinking is cool...drinking and handling sharp tools on a mountain is way cool!"
-Every year Santa has to dig his sleigh out of a year's worth of snow. Santa is glad that last year he stopped at spruce mountain liquors when they had their Budweiser sale. It just makes the job of digging that damn sleigh out so much easier. Kids, work is just easier when you're drunk...take it from Santa.
-SPRUCE MOUNTAIN LIQUORS
"IF YOU ARE GOING TO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN
WITH LEATHER SHOES, A MINER'S LIGHT AND NO
ROPES......AT NIGHT.....DRUNK...THEN MAKE YOUR FIRST
STOP BE SPRUCE MOUNTAIN LIQUORS, CONVIENENLTY
LOCATED IN LAKE SPUR RIGHT NEXT TO THE MINE SHAFT, CUSTOM
HEAD LAMP STORE, AND ACROSS FROM WILLIAMS FINE LEATHER SHOE SHOPPE, JUST ONE BLOCK FROM THE NEAREST MOUNTAIN....TELL EM DRUNK SANTA SENT YOU, AND GET 10% OFF BUDWEISER.
-"Seconds later Grandpa stopped smiling when he realized Billy and Suzie had replaced his celabratory wine with dog piss."
-Mountain Jack's beard and teeth are white as the fallen snow...his liver....well, that's not doing too good.
- "These new ice pick shaped condoms are the shit!" exclaimed Mountain Jack as he began fucking a mountain crevasse.
-Drunken Mountain Man says. . . a beer in one hand, your junk in the other...perfect combination"
-Grandpa learned a tough lesson that night,, if you jerk off, while drinking, in zero degree temperature, on a mountain top, the semen will turn into an icicle upon leaving the body, and stick you to whatever it lands on.
-"Hah hah grandpa, did you get drunk, stick the head of an ice pick to the end of your dick and climb the mountain without using your hands again....what a riot that guy is."
-"Twenty years later Yogi Bear and Boo Boo are dead...but I still got my scotch!"
-Mr. Ranger- jellystone national park
- "Shop at spruce mountain liquors, or you can expect a visit from DRUNKEN MOUNTAIN JACK, and believe me, you don't want to be visited by him when he's drunk, and he's always drunk!
-"You think caves dig themselves" - Drunken alkeida memeber
-"Santa is in shape this year, thanks to his newfound love of mountainclimbing....that's milk in the bottle kids, and incase you were wondering..he already ate the cookies. If you think he's smiling wildly, that's not because he's drunk, because he isn't. He is marveling at the breathtaking view and his feeling of accomplishment is overwhelming him. You may be dissapointed to hear that his new outfit is made out of reindeer hide. Sorry, but it's true."
-"Rather then having sex with Mrs. Clause, Santa prefers to get drunk. He'll then stumble out into the north pole tundra, where in he will proceed to find the nearest stump of ice which resembles a human. He will then commence in making sweet, sweet love to it till the sun comes up."
-"SANTA DOES EXIST! AND HE'S FUCKEN WASTED"
-'"THE TRUE NORTH POLE"
-"Nobody ever asks what Santa wants for Christmas...if they did, this would be the answer."
-This year Santa's rewarding all the good boys and girls with booze, the bad boys and girls will be rewarded with a pick axe through the skull.
-"The elves had to take over the sleigh for Santa last Christmas, they realized he was a little too plastered when they caught him trying to hook the reigns up to a snow drift."
-"Silly Santa, you aren't supposed to start drinking till after you deliver the presents, now get down from there and put the fucken red costume on like a good elf."
- Santa says "Drink up, it's the holidays. Or if you look at my other hand I'll serve you up a bowl of DEEZ NUTZ"
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo
