IT'S OFFICIAL: BRITNEY SPEARS IS UGLY
7-11-05 THIS POST'S CONTENT IS RATED:
I saw the above left Britney pic recently on D*ANA'S DIRT and it reminded me of how Britney's looks have taken a permanent holiday and that I'd been meaning to write about it.
Who cares? Why do we care? Why are celebrities so celebrated for looking attractive? Why do we rejoice in their misfortune? Celebrity performers have two jobs outside of performing. Job one is maintenance and upkeep of their personal appearance. In order to keep people wanting you for your body or pretty face, you have to keep your body in shape and pretty face pretty. Yes, that is shallow, that is one dimensional, but that's the reality of Hollywood and that's part in parcel to the job of being a sex symbol. (Job two is not offending anyone too much or acting too out of character, but that's another story)
When a marginally talented performer is kept in the limelight and hounded by paparazzi for half a decade solely based on looks you would think that if you were to see them candidly they would be exceptionally attractive. The looks are their bread and butter- it's why they get the big bucks. But when a "pop sexpot" starts looking like a hillbilly policeman from a BERKELEY BREATHED* strip (see above), you know her run is officially over, she is past her prime. It's time for her to change her name, pack-up her high heals, kiss her make-up lady goodbye, and move off to the mountains somewhere where nobody will ever recognize her. A place where there is no internet or newspapers so she can't google herself or look for herself on page 6 only to wallow in the fact that nobody gives two shits about her anymore. A place with a nice property and a homely midwife nearby, so she can get on with her new career of popping out four or five little uglies to raise and live happily ever after. . .
Someone who has garnered the publicity Britney has, the level people have put her on as far as beauty is concerned is almost godlike. This is just nuts! If she weren't famous, and you were to bring her to any random high school cheerleading squad in America and put her up against the other random high school "pretty girls" looks-wise she would rank in the lowest third of the squad. We aren't talking about the hottest cheerleaders in the country; we are just talking any average American high school. She would be one of the unpopular cheerleaders. One that doesn't get a date to homecoming.
Maybe in high school she was homecoming queen, I don't know? But that was 6 years ago. Now the Average high school girl taking a chemistry class in Patchogue, Long Island is hotter than her.
Take a walk on any ocean view block in Miami Beach and you will see at least 4-10 girls that are as pretty or prettier.
There is Hot, Pretty, Cute, Average, Homely, and there is Ugly (Fugly is below Ugly, but Britney isn't that far gone). I know all about photo retouching in glamour mags (having retouched movie posters for Miramax in the mid-nineties) and the things you can hide or correct is phenomenal. A good Hollywood Glam Squad can turn a Cute girl, into A Hot Piece of Ass. They can turn an Average girl into Pretty, and an Ugly girl into Cute. Old into Middle Aged, Middle Aged into early 30's (see Madonna). Late 20's into teen, and so on.
If you see a cute girl on screen, just know that in person she most likely is Average or Ugly. Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts in-person without make-up is Average. You see where I'm coming from?
Britney in her prime was cute at best, and with the help of "the squad": AKA fashion stylists, hair and make-up professionals, personal trainers, nutritionists, lighting experts, world class photographers or film camera men, followed by extensive retouching by world's best digital retouchers and CG video editors, they transformed her from cute into hot in a snap, but the age of innocence is over.
Now with her baby on the way and her trailer trash husband she's ballooned up and gone on a long maternity leave from giving a shit about her looks. Her poor diet seems to have resulted in her complexion getting even worse than it already when she was Chaotic on UP fricken N.
I watched one episode of that shit and, although the extreme close-ups by Zitney and her video camera (who's film quality was worse than my 6 year old Sony Handycam btw.) were amusing, the show was a snoozer. I realized the reason why teens stopped giving a crap about her and her life long ago and have moved on to the Lohans and the Simpsons is obvious. . . she is a SKANK! She's ugly, foul mouthed, slutty, married to a scumbag, talks with a dubbua style hillbilly accent. Thank god she can't act.
Here is some more evidence of Britney's decent into Ugly. Mind you, these were taken by Britney herself for that crash-and-burn dope-u-mentary (so you know she approved the footage for air). I can only guess that she felt she was "completely opening up to the world" by unveiling her zits and eye bags. She must have thought the young adults who identified with her when they were teens would see that she is still Jenny from the block. Eh, nice try you naive dumbass. Talk about a major backfire.
Can she handle our truth? The general public's truth. . . that we don't care about her anymore.
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo